Libertarian, Paleo & Naderite
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
22 Reasons Bush Will Win in November
22. Tax cuts are always popular, and (see reason #21)
21. Voters don’t really care about the federal deficit, and (see reason #22)
20. Bush is more fun to listen to – just how many different ways can “Abu Ghraib” be mispronounced?
19. Most Americans prefer BBQ to consommé. Hell, most Americans can’t even spell “consommé.”
18. In politics, one ranch beats five mansions.
17. Bush is better positioned on the political spectrum; he’s slightly to the left of Rush Limbaugh, slightly to the right of John McCain. Kerry is slightly to the left of Ted Kennedy, slightly to the right of Castro.
16. Remember how badly his daddy beat a whiny Massachusetts liberal in 1988.
15. Bush will win the “I can’t speak clearly either” vote.
14. Bush will win the “I fell off my bike, too” vote. Kerry will also lose the “Some arrogant SOB fell off his snowboard and blamed ME for it” vote.
13. Bush quotes the Bible, which annoys some people. But Kerry misquotes the Bible, which annoys even more people.
12. Bush has the Toby Keith fans. Kerry has the Outkast fans – most of whom are too young to vote.
11. Pat Buchanan will do well in Florida again. Whether he runs or not.
10. Ralph Nader will take all the votes of people who think John Kerry is too conservative. Kerry will be challenged to pick up those six votes somewhere else.
9. Agree with him or not, most voters prefer a candidate who takes only one position on each issue.
8. Which has more followers: NASCAR or lacrosse?
7. No one cares what any candidate did 30 years ago. The 1996 election pitted a REAL war hero against a REAL draft dodger, and how did that go? Exception: see reason #6.
6. Bush will win the Vietnam vet vote, because when Kerry returned from the war he labeled most of his “band of brothers” as baby killers and worse. Or he didn’t really. Or he did but he now regrets it. Or he stands by it and doesn’t regret it. And he dishonored their service by throwing his medals over the wall. Only they weren’t really medals, they were just ribbons. And they weren’t even his. And he didn’t throw them. Or he did, and he’s proud of that. Or he’s not. Depends on the day.
5. What, like it would be better if Saddam were still in power?
4. When it comes to dealing with uncooperative foreign leaders, Americans prefer “kick a**” to “kiss a**.”
3. It’s Rush Limbaugh, Hugh Hewitt, Laura Ingraham, Chris Hannity, Michael Medved, Dennis Praeger, Michael Savage, Bill Bennett, and Oliver North, against Al Franken, Michael Moore and NPR. `Nuff said.
2. A million new jobs vs. a million new taxes.
1. Bush looks less French.
